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Tuesday, July 14

Mom's Name

What's your Mom's name?
My dad calls her Darling!

Wednesday, July 8

English Language Quarantine Travel Puns

Quarantine travel puns for lovers of English language.

"Oman, I really can't wait to Rome around."

Tuesday, July 7

Travel Bug


At this point I just wanna join the Locust Gang 

Friday, July 3

what Happy New Year!?

I am also looking for the rascal who sent me this on first day of the year 😑🀬🀯 

Thursday, July 2

Durex Covid Advertisement

Guys at Durex have done it again!

Protect yourself and your loved ones 
While Going Out & Going In!!!

Wednesday, June 17

Modern Sausage


FOX FM - mate Match - where did you do it this morning?

πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney .
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone
number) for verification. If their partner answers those same = three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

Tuesday, June 9

Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers

Dear employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme

Wednesday, June 3

Alcoholic Dilemma

Doctor... How did you fall into the gutter?

Alcoholic patient... What can I say Doc..
There was a manhole, without a lid  outside a wine shop ..

Saturday, May 30

Wednesday, May 6

LAWS THAT YOU DIDN'T LEARN AT SCHOOL

*LAWS THAT YOU DIDN'T LEARN AT SCHOOL*

01. *LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR*

Once  your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

02. *ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP*

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

03. *KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM*

When u dial a wrong number, u never get an engaged tone.

04. *CANNON'S KARMIC LAW*

If u tell the boss u were late for work because u had a flat tyre, the next morning u will have a flat tyre.

05 *O'BRIEN'S VARIATION LAW*

If u change queues, the one u have left will start to move faster than the one u are in now.

06. *BELL'S THEOREM*

When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

07. *RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS*

The probability of meeting someone u know increases when u are with someone u don't want to be seen with.

08. *WILLOUGHBY'S LAW*

When u try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

09. *ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS*

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. *BREDA'S RULE*

At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.

11. *OWEN'S LAW*

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Tuesday, May 5

Sunday, May 3

Lockdown Terminology

Lockdown lingo - are you fully conversant with the new terminology?

*Coronacoaster*
The ups and downs of your mood during the pandemic. You're loving lockdown one minute but suddenly weepy with anxiety the next. It truly is "an emotional coronacoaster".

*Quarantinis*
Experimental cocktails mixed from whatever random ingredients you have left in the house. The boozy equivalent of a store cupboard supper. Southern Comfort and Ribena quarantini with a glacΓ© cherry garnish, anyone? These are sipped at "locktail hour", ie. wine o'clock during lockdown, which seems to be creeping earlier with each passing week.

*Le Creuset wrist*
It's the new "avocado hand" - an aching arm after taking one's best saucepan outside to bang during the weekly 'Clap For Carers.' It might be heavy but you're keen to impress the neighbours with your high-quality kitchenware.

*Coronials*
As opposed to millennials, this refers to the future generation of babies conceived or born during coronavirus quarantine. They might also become known as "Generation C" or, more spookily, "Children of the Quarn".

*Furlough Merlot*
Wine consumed in an attempt to relieve the frustration of not working. Also known as "bored-eaux" or "cabernet tedium".

*Coronadose*
An overdose of bad news from consuming too much media during a time of crisis. Can result in a panicdemic.

*The elephant in the Zoom*
The glaring issue during a videoconferencing call that nobody feels able to mention. E.g. one participant has dramatically put on weight, suddenly sprouted terrible facial hair or has a worryingly messy house visible in the background.

*Quentin Quarantino*
An attention-seeker using their time in lockdown to make amateur films which they're convinced are funnier and cleverer than they actually are.

*Covidiot* or *Wuhan-ker*
One who ignores public health advice or behaves with reckless disregard for the safety of others can be said to display "covidiocy" or be "covidiotic". Also called a "lockclown" or even a "Wuhan-ker".

*Goutbreak*
The sudden fear that you've consumed so much wine, cheese, home-made cake and Easter chocolate in lockdown that your ankles are swelling up like a medieval king's.

*Antisocial distancing*
Using health precautions as an excuse for snubbing neighbours and generally ignoring people you find irritating.

*Coughin' dodger*
Someone so alarmed by an innocuous splutter or throat-clear that they back away in terror.

*Mask-ara*
Extra make-up applied to "make one's eyes pop" before venturing out in public wearing a face mask.

*Covid-10*
The 10lbs in weight that we're all gaining from comfort-eating and comfort-drinking. Also known as "fattening the curve".

πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Saturday, April 18

Made in USA

*Brilliant comment on the US Economy!*

Dr. Marc Faber, the investment guru, concluded his monthly bulletin with the following comments! :
 
The federal government is sending each of us a *$600 rebate.*

If we spend that money at *Wal-Mart*, the money goes to *China.*
If we spend it on *gasoline* it goes to the *Arabs.*
If we buy a *software*, it will go to *India.*
If we purchase *fruits and vegetables* it will go to *Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.*
If we purchase a *good car*, it will go to *Germany and Japan.*
If we purchase *useless crap*, it will go to *Taiwan or Korea.*
In short, *none of it* will help the *American economy.*

The *only way to keep that money here at home* is to spend it on *Guns, Prostitutes, and Beer*, since these are the *only products still produced in the US!* πŸ˜„πŸ€£

Friday, April 17

WHEN BODY PARTS ARE USED AS VERBS

WHEN BODY PARTS ARE USED AS VERBS
            
_Many parts of the body can be used as verbs in either a physical or a metaphorical sense._

You can *head* a company, but if things go wrong you'll have to *shoulder* the blame, or *face* your investors. 
A good leader will *back* his employees, but if you don't *toe* the line the management can *skin* you.
Did you *muscle* your way into that job? 
You might *eye* someone suspiciously, or wait for the police to *finger* a suspect. 
But if you need to get out of town, you can *thumb* a ride or you can ride with me if you can *stomach* the thought.
Use strong *arm* tactic if you want to *elbow* out someone.
I don't always sing along with the radio, but I sometimes do *mouth* the words.

*That's Amazing English!!!* πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ‘ŒπŸ»πŸ‘ŒπŸ»πŸ˜Š

Thursday, April 9

Italian Viral Humor

THE ITALIAN SENSE OF HUMOR ....

 "Maybe it is true that we Italians are in a difficult situation.
But tell me where you will find another such country:

in which aprons for doctors are sewn by ARMANI

FERRARI is manufacturing respirators

GUCCI is making face masks

And sanitizing gel is made by BULGARI ??? 

We may end up in hell, but in style! " 

πŸ˜œπŸ˜‚πŸŒπŸ’…

Monday, April 6

Chatting with Housemates during Lockdown

🀣🀣🀣Loved this silly one for a change..

Hi guys! Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!  

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad. 

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything, and certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant.  

In the end though, the iron calmed me down as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing.  The hoover was very unsympathetic...  told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over!  

The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion, and didn't say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip.😬  The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to... Yes, you guessed it ... pull myself together. 🀣🀣🀣πŸ€ͺ

Friday, April 3

Men's Scotch at Bar

From "Standing near the bar with Scotch in our hand" 
To 
"Standing near Vim bar with a Scotch Brite in our hand"

Men have come a long way  ..
..The great lockdown

Wednesday, April 1

Lockdown Advice for Mating Partners

My brother stick to your 2 rounds with ur wife or partner during this lockdown. If you start going 6 she might want to know who's been getting the extra 4 all this while. 
May wisdom with you - Mugabe

Monday, March 30

Sanitisation

When my partner came back home, I made him bath with Dettol and vinegar, gargle with sanitised mouth wash and splash Cologne. 
Is that enough or shall I boil him? 

#corona #lockdown

Sunday, March 29

Tuesday, March 24

Your Horoscope THIS Week

For once you won't have to match your star signs.

Saturday, March 14

Corona Baby Boomers

Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch.. and in 9months......

Monday, March 9

Exposure

A drunk naked woman boards a cab.

Driver of the cab keeps staring at her and does not start the cab.

Woman: Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?

Driver: Cool down, ma'am. I am not staring at you. I am just wondering as to where you have kept the money to pay me?

Moral : This is what most of the Banks failed to do...... Assessing the repayment capacity before enjoying the exposure!!

πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ€£

Friday, March 6

Face Mask causes Death

One more death but not because of Coronavirus.
He reached home with wrong mask! :-)

Thursday, March 5

Jackie Chan on Cough

Deep meaning worda by Jackie Chan, "earlier we used to cough to hide our fart, now we fart to cover our cough'

Not quite some #TravelAdvisory

**Alert levels - updated ** 

Not quite #TravelAdvice... ;-) 

***UK Virus ALERT***
 
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to the recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, the level may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." 
 
The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. 
 
The virus has been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
 
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's Get the Bastard." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
 
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
 
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." 
 
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose." 
 
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
 
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
 
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

(Originally received on WhatsApp)

Flight from China

Flight coming from China!

Sunday, March 1

Divine Right

Judy entered the church.
"You can't come in here dressed like that!" exclaimed the priest.
She said, "But I have divine right!"
He said, "you have divine left too! But you can't come in that dress"

Tuesday, February 25

Friday, February 21

Young Biker's Dilemma ;-)

To grow up or to be a biker!

Wisdom of Exotic Movies' Dress-code

When exotic movie stars take off their clothes they are are actually getting dressed for work!

Wisdom will kill me someday.

Wednesday, February 19

Definition of Laziness

Definition of Laziness: 
It's the art of taking rest before you get tired. because....

Tuesday, January 28

Fired for Cup Size!!

Why I was fired!?
Well, for the company picnic, management decided that, due to liability issues,
we could have alcohol but only One drink per person.
I was fired for the CUPS-size ordered!

Monday, January 20

3 F Rules for Life

3 Rules of Life
1. F*ck. 
2. Don't give a f*ck. 
3. Don't get f*cked over.
 

Bumper Sticker - Brake Warning

Beware! This car brakes at every liquor storr.!

Tonite's Wedding Dinner

Pussy! WTF!

Lesson from Thai cave rescue

(on a lighter but naughty note)

Grocery Shopping Flash Reminder

Thank you young flasher for reminding to buy baby carrots .. hahaha

Sunday, January 19

Goldfish

Caught a gold fish today.
But some haters will say it's mango seed.

Saturday, January 18

No Warning Shot!

Due to price increase on ammo,

Do not expect a Warning Shot!

Thank you for understanding,

 

Wednesday, January 15

The Fourth Ape

Finally the fourth ape!
He is the sum of the first three apes.
He sees nobody, hears nobody and speaks to nobody!

Being a RCB fan

Wednesday, January 8

Bimbo

Moms can come back with sexist remarks, too.

 

Tuesday, January 7

2 pieces of 'Married' Advice

Never laugh at your wife's choice 

Wife's prayer

Dear God, don't let my husband be home when my online shopping orders are delivered.

WowBooty Counter

Hidden customer

Trojan vs. Huggies

Compare and save between Trojan and Huggies