I’m out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
All generalizations are false.
Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons.
Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
All men are Idiots, and I married their King!
Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
My kid can beat up your honor student.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you’re still an IDIOT!
It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
I Brake For No Apparent Reason.
I Brake For Hallucinations.
Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.
Wink, I’ll do the rest!
No Radio – Already Stolen
Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
Real women don’t have hot flashes, they have power surges.
When there’s a will, I want to be in it!
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Few women admit their age, Few men act it!
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
Learn from your parents mistakes – use birth control!
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering..
Forget about World Peace……Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity, or give me something else.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
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Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
This entry was posted on Monday, July 5th, 2010 at 11:17 and is filed under Jokes, Travel Jokes. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.