Thinking of playing the stock market? If so, here is a list of terms we recommend you learn before investing:

STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.

BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in

BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell “Broke.”

BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.

BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.

MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you’re supposed to be listening to your manager’s presentation.

SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn’t actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. “The rent, sir? Ha ha ha, well, I’m a little short this month.”)

COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.

YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.

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This entry was posted on Sunday, March 31st, 2013 at 18:41 and is filed under Professional Jokes, Quiz. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.