Lost Dad
A small boy on the beach had lost sight of his dad. He was wandering everywhere looking for him, but to no avail. So he went up to a lifeguard and asked for help.
"I've lost my dad!" he said.
"OK," the lifeguard said. "Maybe I can help you find him. What's he like?"
The little boy thought for a moment and replied, "Mainly beer and golf!"
Submitted by (), Kingston
Managed Care CEO Asked for Charity
The chairman of a large charity noted that the wealthy CEO of a major managed care company had never given him a donation.
He called on the CEO in an attempt to persuade him mend his ways.
“Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?”
The CEO replied, “Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?
Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair?
Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her penniless with three children?”
Sheepishly, the charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this.
“Well, since I don’t give any money to them,” he continued, “why should I give any to you?”
Health Insurance Jokes Submitted by India Reynolds (22), London, Britain
Naked Statue
Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "Oh my! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"
The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the penis on it was so large!"
Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out, "...Yeah, and cold, too!"
Submitted by Kaanhaa (17),
Police Story:
Lady calls up police department: Officer, there is a man exposing himself in the next building.
Dispatcher: OK, we'll be right over, lady.
(Five minutes later at her apartment.)
Officer: Which way, lady?
Lady: This way officer, he's still shamelessly baring himself.
Officer: Where is he, lady? I don't see no naked man.
Lady: Oh, you have to look through this telescope.
Submitted by Tom Hegge (), Plymouth, MN
Fruitful Confession !
Sean goes to confession and says to the priest, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. It's been three weeks since my last confession, and in that time I have committed the sin of adultery."
"Who was it with?" the priest asks, "Was it Brigitte O'Hara?"
Sean says, "I'm sorry Father, but I can't tell you who it was with."
The priest says, "I'll bet it was with that hussy, Mary O'Houlihan!"
Sean says, "I'm sorry Father, but I really can't tell you who it was."
The priest says, "Was it that Rose O'Connell?"
Sean responds, "I've told you already Father, I can't reveal who it was."
"You're a wicked man Sean O'Reilly," the priest says. "Say six Hail Marys and don't let me hear that you've transgressed again!"
As he is walking home, Sean bumps into his friend Seamus. "Sean!" he says, "How are you doin'? Is it the Church you'll be coming from?"
Sean says, "Aye Seamus, I've just been to confession."
"How was it?" Seamus asks.
"Oh, not too bad," Sean answers. "I got six Hail Marys and three good leads!"
Submitted by HaHa Funnies (), Juno
Cheesy Pick Up Lines
- Are you a surgeon? Cause you've just taken my heart away!
- Excuse me, but I think I dropped something ... My Jaw !!!
- If I received a nickel for everytime I saw someone as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents.
- When God made you, he was showing off
- It's not my fault I fell in love. You're the one who tripped me!
Submitted by Bhupesh (25), Salt Lake City
Real Estate Funnies
Home : A place when you go there they have to take you in.
Housebroke : What you are after buying a house.
Charity : A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
House problem : The oven is self-cleaning, but the kids aren't.
Homesickness : What you feel every month when the mortgage is due.
Trivia : The floors of buildings are called stories because early European builders used to paint picture stories on the sides of their houses. Each floor had a different story.
Real Estate Joke Submitted by Antonio (18), Texas
Indian shoots Buffaleo in Bar!
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter: "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says..
"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
Submitted by Celebcurry (20), USA
Wrong HighWay
Seventy-six year old Grace was watching TV at home late one afternoon.
Presently, the 5:00 news came on. The lead story was traffic mayhem on I-95 due to a car going down the highway the wrong way.
Grace suddenly realized her husband was traveling home on that very same highway. Concerned, she reached for the phone and called him on his cell.
"Harold," she said when he answered. "Are you still on I-95?"
"I am," Harold replied.
"Well then please be careful!" Grace said. "I just heard on the news that some maniac is going down the highway the wrong way!"
"One?" Harold replied. "Aw, heck, Grace, they're ALL going the wrong way!"
Submitted by LikeanAngel (), Ugoto
Mental Health Lecture
A professor had just finished a lecture on the subject of mental health and had started to give an oral quiz to his summer school students.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, the senior doctor asked his class, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the back of the room raised his hand and answered, "That would be a World Cup football coach!"
College Jokes Submitted by Ben Kingsley (29), Iowa University
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