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The Top 15 Holiday Alertness Tips
Beware of bearded religious fanatics penetrating the air space above your house or chimney.
Anthrax spores may arrive in the guise of small white flakes descending from the sky. Run for cover!
This year, avoid the New Year's Eve fireworks display in Kandahar.
Beware of people sucking candy canes in a way that makes them very very pointy.
Carefully sorted mail with rubber gloves and a gas mask? Check.
Incinerated suspicious looking mail? Check.
Accidentally reduced holiday bonus check to carbon? D'OH!
Why fly when you can argue with relatives via instant messaging?
Keep in mind that airport security personnel spend 75% less time processing naked people through checkpoints.
Fruit cakes, if stacked properly, can make an effective and tasty bomb shelter.
Visions of sugarplums may indicate exposure to nerve gas.
Pointy, dangerous metal Menorahs should be replaced with the Nerf(tm) Menorah.
If you encounter a Santa's helper in the mall who says, "Dude, you're gettin' a Dell," do the world a favor and pummel him senseless.
Leave the tinsel strand hanging out of the cat's ass. It'll make Fluffy easier to find in a blackout.
Do random strip searches of secretaries at the company holiday party. THIS year, the Attorney General's got your back!
Guys: While carving the Christmas turkey with the electric knife, make sure you've finished having sex with the turkey first.
and the Number 1 Holiday Alertness Tip...
Going to the Rose Parade? Keep your distance from that "Jihad Wonderland" float.
Jokes Submitted by Shishir, Cardiff University, Wales, U.K.
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