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Batteries Not Included
Two women friends were out buying Christmas gifts. For her little ones, one of them bought a few of the latest toy gadgets. Unfortunately, they all read, "Batteries Not Included."
So they headed over to the electronics department for batteries, but they were all behind the counter. Try as she might, the woman with the gadgets could not get the attention of one of the harried sales clerks.
"I know how to get a clerk's attention," her friend said. "Watch this, April."
She opened her purse, pulled out a tape measure and began measuring the dimensions of one of those $4,000 plasma TVs.
Instantly, a sales clerk practically leap-frogged over several displays to reach the woman. "Can I help you?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, pointing to the display behind the counter. "We need batteries. Four AA's, two size D's and two nine-volts!"
Submitted by BedDemon (20), Stumbleupon
What's The Difference?
A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's bottom. It's $1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper.
I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap from anybody!"
Submitted by Sreejoye Macmilan
I FEEL LIKE CHICKEN TONIGHT
A woman walks into the butcher shop just before closing.
She says, "Thank Heavens I've made it in time! Have you any chicken?"
The butcher opens his fridge and takes out his only chicken, and plops it onto the scale. It
weighs 2 1/2 pounds.
"Ah, haven't you anything bigger?" the woman inquires.
The butcher returns the chicken to the fridge, takes it out again, and plops
it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the chicken. The
scale shows 3 1/4 pounds.
"Marvelous!" says the woman. "I'll have both of them please."
Submitted by Nadeem Afzal
Oops, The Waiter Did It!
One evening, a very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant patiently awaiting her date.
While waiting, she decided to make sure that she looked perfect for him.
So the young lady bends down in her chair in order to get a mirror from her purse. Then just as the waiter walks up, she accidentally farts quite loudly.
The lady immediately sat up straight, embarrassed and red faced, sure that everyone in the place had heard her.
Quickly she turns to the waiter and demands, "Stop That!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says, "Sure lady. Which way was it headed?"
Submitted by Joy Gonzalvis, Goa
Christmas Shopping
A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The husband says, "What?"
The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen that night and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her Christmas shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.
She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she doesn't care.
She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "But you don't even play tennis! Well, okay if you like it then let's get it. You deserve the best for Christmas."
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says, "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register." The husband stops and says, "No, honey I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey, I just want you to hold this stuff for a while."
The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode and the husband says, "You must be in tune with my financial needs as a man."
Submitted by Anna Benson (24), Virginia
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