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If Men Ruled the World...

  • Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
  • Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I Love You".
  • Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards
  • When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
  • Birth control would come in ale or lager.
  • Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
  • The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
  • "Sorry I'm late, but I got hammered last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
  • Instead of a beer belly, you'd get "beer abs."
  • Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
  • Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th, so it would only occur in leap years.
  • On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however would remain exactly the same, but would be celebrated every month.
  • The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football From A Different Camera Angle.
  • Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
  • When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off"
  • Faucets would run "Hot,' "Cold," and "100 proof".
  • The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
  • People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
  • Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
  • Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.


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