Shout when Angry!|
A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her."
One of his friends asked,"And when you are angry, what do you do?"
The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.
Submitted by jimmy shergill (19), haha funnies
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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”
The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Darn it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”
The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”
The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”
The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”
"Only when he’s been drinking."
Submitted by Angelina (), Hollywood
To Be 8 again!
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror ..
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you moron!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Submitted by Angelina (), Hollywood
A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner.
His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,Pumpkin, etc.
He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy: "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names.
His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about ten years ago."
Submitted by Jonathan (27), Uganda
Tom and Harry's Wife
There were two twins, Tom and Harry. Tom was the owner of an old dilapidated boat.
It just so happened that Harry's wife died the same day Tom's boat sank.
A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Tom and mistaking him for Harry said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible."
Tom, thinking she was talking about his boat said "Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her.
She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish.
She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.
Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time.
I warned them she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow.
The fools all tried to get in her at once and she split right up the middle"
The old woman fainted.
Submitted by Alicia Keys (), Downtown
Lessons in Romance
Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.
He observed the couple next to him.
The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife’s cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?"
Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.
Another table over Joe observed the following.
A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?"
Again Joe thought this was good stuff.
Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife’s eyes and said, "Ham, pig?"
Submitted by GQ the DJ (23), Indiana
Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "Oh my! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"
The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the penis on it was so large!"
Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out, "...Yeah, and cold, too!"
Submitted by Kaanhaa (17),