Laughable Tongue-In-Cheek Messages

# Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? – George Carlin

# My mother had morning sickness after I was born. – Rodney Dangerfield

# She was so fat that she has her own postal code. – Rodney Dangerfield

# My wife’s got a face like a saint – a Saint Bernard. – Rodney Dangerfield

# I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb. – Rodney Dangerfield

# All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. – W. C. Fields

# The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. – W. C. Fields

# If there’s a will, prosperity can’t be far behind. – W. C. Fields

# I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. – Henny Youngman

# Congress: Bingo with billions. – Red Skelton

# I invented the cordless extension cord. – Steven Wright

# I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. – Steven Wright

# The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. – Author Unknown (but pretty sure it’s not the 1st mouse) – Tony Hsieh

# Told my mom I gave a presentation @ Tony Robbins conference. She was really excited. In her words: Wow! Robin Williams! – Tony Hsieh

# I drink to forget I drink. – Joe E. Lewis

# Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. – Joey Adams

# Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. – Emo Philips

# Broken promises don’t upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? – Jack Handy

# Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you’d be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage. – Bill Hicks

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