How To Perfect English

Want to speak and write properly all the time? Just follow these simple rules and you too will master perfect use of the English language:

  • Avoid alliteration. Always.
  • Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
  • Employ the vernacular.
  • Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
  • Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
  • Remember to never split an infinitive.
  • Contractions aren’t necessary.
  • Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
  • One should never generalize.
  • Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
  • Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
  • Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
  • Be more or less specific.
  • Understatement is always best.
  • One-word sentences? Eliminate.
  • Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
  • The passive voice is to be avoided.
  • Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
  • Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
  • Who needs rhetorical questions?
  • Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
  • Don’t never use a double negative.
  • Capitalize every sentence and remember to always end it with a period,
  • Do not put statements in the negative form.
  • Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
  • If you reread your work, you can find that rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
  • A writer must not shift your point of view.
  • And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction!
  • Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.
  • Don’t overuse exclamation marks!!!
  • Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the antecedents.
  • Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
  • If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
  • Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
  • Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
  • Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
  • Always pick on the correct idiom.
  • The adverb always follows the verb.
  • Avoid cliches like the plague; They’re old hat; seek viable alternatives.

And finally,

  • Always proofread carefully to see if you (left) any words out.

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009 at 01:53 and is filed under School College Jokes, Trivia. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.