How To Perfect English
Want to speak and write properly all the time? Just follow these simple rules and you too will master perfect use of the English language:
- Avoid alliteration. Always.
- Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
- Employ the vernacular.
- Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
- Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
- Remember to never split an infinitive.
- Contractions aren’t necessary.
- Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
- One should never generalize.
- Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
- Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
- Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
- Be more or less specific.
- Understatement is always best.
- One-word sentences? Eliminate.
- Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
- The passive voice is to be avoided.
- Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
- Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
- Who needs rhetorical questions?
- Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
- Don’t never use a double negative.
- Capitalize every sentence and remember to always end it with a period,
- Do not put statements in the negative form.
- Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
- If you reread your work, you can find that rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
- A writer must not shift your point of view.
- And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction!
- Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.
- Don’t overuse exclamation marks!!!
- Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the antecedents.
- Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
- If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
- Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
- Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
- Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
- Always pick on the correct idiom.
- The adverb always follows the verb.
- Avoid cliches like the plague; They’re old hat; seek viable alternatives.
- Always proofread carefully to see if you (left) any words out.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009 at 01:53 and is filed under School College Jokes, Trivia. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.