Twitter Jokes

Funny Tweets

# I bought a new book, ‘100 new ways to make love’. I ended up in traction – it was a misprint – Rodney Dangerfield

# Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn’t even the star of his own Halloween special. – Chris Rock

# I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. – Mitch Hedberg

# I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your frickin’ mouth. – Bill Hicks

# I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it. – Steven Wright

# She was so ugly that they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. – Rodney Dangerfield

# My neighbor has a circular driveway…he can’t get out. – Steven Wright

# Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel. – Rodney Dangerfield

# The word aerobics came about when the instructors said If we’re going to charge money, we can’t call it jumping up and down. – Rita Rudner

# I want to be so famous that drag queens will dress like me in parades when I’m dead. – Laura Kightlinger

# Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money. – Robin Williams

# I was at the lake and I saw this seagull, so I walked up to it and said, “It’s okay, I won’t tell anybody.” – Mitch Hedberg

# If the people are for gay marriage, medical marijuana or assisted suicide, suddenly “will of the people” goes out the window. – Bill Maher

# Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire. – Rodney Dangerfield

# I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps – from moving cars. – Rodney Dangerfield

# I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out. – Bill Hicks

# The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. – George Carlin

# My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. – Rita Rudner

# You see I’m against hunting, in fact I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. – Tim Vine

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This entry was posted on Sunday, October 25th, 2009 at 03:45 and is filed under Jokes, Sms. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.Both comments and pings are currently closed.