Whether one is “shipwrecked” or just plain “wrecked,” perhaps the following words of wisdom might help one stay at or near the surface. Keep the following in mind if you experience any of these symptoms while in a bar:

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
CAUSE: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
CAUSE: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Find a dog. Stand next to him. Complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
CAUSE: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
CAUSE: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have someone fetch some rope and tie you down in upright position.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
CAUSE: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
CAUSE: Mouth not open or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Go to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
CAUSE: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
CAUSE: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
CAUSE: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
CAUSE: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Open window fast.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
CAUSE: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Find someone cushy-looking. Fall on him.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
CAUSE: It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Pour contents of glass on him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
CAUSE: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.
CAUSE: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
CAUSE: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don’t remember the words to the song.
CAUSE: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Find someone sober to sing the song for you. Play backup air guitar.

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This entry was posted on Saturday, June 25th, 2011 at 05:27 and is filed under Jokes. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.