Wednesday, June 3
Saturday, May 30
Sunday, May 24
Wednesday, May 6
*LAWS THAT YOU DIDN'T LEARN AT SCHOOL*
01. *LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR*
Once your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
02. *ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP*
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
03. *KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM*
When u dial a wrong number, u never get an engaged tone.
04. *CANNON'S KARMIC LAW*
If u tell the boss u were late for work because u had a flat tyre, the next morning u will have a flat tyre.
05 *O'BRIEN'S VARIATION LAW*
If u change queues, the one u have left will start to move faster than the one u are in now.
06. *BELL'S THEOREM*
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
07. *RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS*
The probability of meeting someone u know increases when u are with someone u don't want to be seen with.
08. *WILLOUGHBY'S LAW*
When u try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
09. *ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS*
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10. *BREDA'S RULE*
At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.
11. *OWEN'S LAW*
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Tuesday, May 5
Sunday, May 3
Lockdown lingo - are you fully conversant with the new terminology?
The ups and downs of your mood during the pandemic. You're loving lockdown one minute but suddenly weepy with anxiety the next. It truly is "an emotional coronacoaster".
Experimental cocktails mixed from whatever random ingredients you have left in the house. The boozy equivalent of a store cupboard supper. Southern Comfort and Ribena quarantini with a glacé cherry garnish, anyone? These are sipped at "locktail hour", ie. wine o'clock during lockdown, which seems to be creeping earlier with each passing week.
*Le Creuset wrist*
It's the new "avocado hand" - an aching arm after taking one's best saucepan outside to bang during the weekly 'Clap For Carers.' It might be heavy but you're keen to impress the neighbours with your high-quality kitchenware.
As opposed to millennials, this refers to the future generation of babies conceived or born during coronavirus quarantine. They might also become known as "Generation C" or, more spookily, "Children of the Quarn".
Wine consumed in an attempt to relieve the frustration of not working. Also known as "bored-eaux" or "cabernet tedium".
An overdose of bad news from consuming too much media during a time of crisis. Can result in a panicdemic.
*The elephant in the Zoom*
The glaring issue during a videoconferencing call that nobody feels able to mention. E.g. one participant has dramatically put on weight, suddenly sprouted terrible facial hair or has a worryingly messy house visible in the background.
An attention-seeker using their time in lockdown to make amateur films which they're convinced are funnier and cleverer than they actually are.
*Covidiot* or *Wuhan-ker*
One who ignores public health advice or behaves with reckless disregard for the safety of others can be said to display "covidiocy" or be "covidiotic". Also called a "lockclown" or even a "Wuhan-ker".
The sudden fear that you've consumed so much wine, cheese, home-made cake and Easter chocolate in lockdown that your ankles are swelling up like a medieval king's.
Using health precautions as an excuse for snubbing neighbours and generally ignoring people you find irritating.
Someone so alarmed by an innocuous splutter or throat-clear that they back away in terror.
Extra make-up applied to "make one's eyes pop" before venturing out in public wearing a face mask.
The 10lbs in weight that we're all gaining from comfort-eating and comfort-drinking. Also known as "fattening the curve".
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Nice try wifey! You thought you could escape from the kitchen didn't you!?