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Wednesday, September 23

Creative In-store Product Placements

For Extra Safety, Baby Products i got from store today for Moods 

Victoria's Secret Masks

Face Mask by Victoria's Secret 😜

Monday, September 21

Nuts in Crazy World

Aa the world gets crazier,
NUTS are easier to find!

Tuesday, September 8

Saturday, August 29

Topless Model

Admit it.
You've always been Crazy about topless models.

Thursday, August 27

Corona causes Impotency

Roxanne Davur qoutes on corona pandemic and lockdown.

Friday, August 21

Senior Citizens Facts

*How God keeps senior citizens going*

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things, thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom, He made seniors lose co-ordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

 Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature, requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.  God looked down and saw that it was good.

 So, if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older

 #9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

 #8 - Life is sexually transmitted.

 #7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 #6 - Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky-panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

 #5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

 #4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

 #3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

 #2 - In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 #1 - Life is like a jar of jalapeΓ±o peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow. 

 Please share this wisdom with others, while I go to the bathroom

-Fukkad

Wednesday, August 19

Curiosity Bug

Just for the sake of curiosity...

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, dog trainers debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Tuesday, August 18

3 Puns of 2020

*Puns of 2020* 

•If you see me leaving this group, please add me again. It's just that I'm so desperate to go out!

•Quarantine seems like a Netflix series: just when you think it's over, they release the next season.

•I need to social distance myself from my fridge; I tested positive for excess weight!

Tuesday, August 11

Confession

Lawyer: To prove my client was at home, I would like present his internet search history from that evening.
Nerd Client: 

Monday, August 10

Alive Certificate

A pensioner received a letter from Branch Manager stating 
" Thanks for promptly submitting this year's life certificate."
"But, Sorry to inform you that we have lost your last year's life certificate in our record and  the Bank's Inspector has pointed it out in his report." 

"Please submit a certified copy of the same if available with you. Alternatively submit a declaration that *you were alive last year also*"

*Pensioners reply*

"Dear Sir, 
Thank you very much for acknowledgement of my this year's Life Certificate."

"I'm equally sorry to inform you that I do not have any copy of last year's Life Certificate."

"I'm also not in a position to furnish any declaration regarding last year because due to my bad memory, despite trying hard, I'm not able to recollect as to whether I was alive last year or not. The inconvenience caused is deeply regretted.
 Regards."

Thursday, August 6

Guernica - Who did it?

*GUERNICA*
During the Nazi occupation of Paris, Pablo Picasso was taken to be "interrogated" by a special branch of Gestapo that had been set up to handle intellectuals and artists.

The officer who confronted Picasso, in spite of being a Gestapo thug, was almost polite, spoke good French and seemed even educated. A rarity.

The Nazi policeman gestured Picasso to sit in front of his desk, then he produced a photo of the now world famous "Guernica", the large painting that depicts Picasso's take on the Nazi bombing of the Spanish town of the same name during the Spanish Civil War.

With that facial expression that at the same time betrays tolerance toward a recognized genius and anger for his misdeed, the Nazi pointed at the photo and said with a harsh voice:
"Picasso! Have you done this?"

The reply of Picasso was worthy of a genius.
Said he:
*"No, you did it!*
*I only painted it".*

Friday, July 31

Girls Bike Number Plate

Girls Bike Number Plate
Thats for sure for boys trailing these hotties!!
Girls Bike Number Plate

Girls Bike Number Plate

Thursday, July 30

Social Distancing SOP

McDonalds ain't messing around with covid pandemic and Social Distancing

 

Keeping up with Current News

Me trying to keep up with Current News about world disasters, civil unrests and potential life-ending viruses

Sunday, July 26

Ultracrepidaria - English to Hindi

British make things needlessly complicated.
A person who gives his opinion and advice on matters outside of one's knowledge or competence is calles Ultracrepidaria. 
But in India they simply call him ch***ya!

Saturday, July 25

How to Check Friends' Video Messages

When your friend sends you a video and you don't trust them...

Thursday, July 23

DIFFERENT HEIGHTS OF...

*Height of Fashion*
```Lungi with a zip.```

*Height of Laziness*
```Asking lift for morning walk.```

*Height of Craziness*
```Get blank paper xeroxed.```

*Height of Honesty*
```Pregnant woman taking 2 tickets.```
 
*Height of De-Hydration*
```Cow giving milk powder.```

*Height of Hope*
```A 99 year old woman going for Rs 295/- recharge to get lifetime incoming.```

*Height of Stupidity*
```Looking through key hole of a glass door.```

*Height of Suicide Attempt*
```A dwarf jumps from the footpath on the road.```

*Height of Friendship*
```It's when your friend runs away with your wife; and you are really worried for your friend!```

*Height of Attitude*
```A Sleeping Beggar puts a Notice Board in front of Him.```
_*Please do not make noise by dropping coins! Use Currency Notes.*_

*AND*

*THE ULTIMATE ONE*

*Height Of Work Pressure*
```An employee opens his Tiffin Box on the road side to see, whether he is going to office or coming back from office.```

No Parking

Boy parks his bicycle near the Legislature building.
Police Constable stops him.

Friday, July 17

Thursday, July 16

Twitter Security Hack

@jack tweeted
"Tough day for us at Twitter. We all feel terrible this happened. We're diagnosing and will share everything we can when we have a more complete understanding of exactly what happened. "
"to our teammates working hard to make this right."

Tuesday, July 14

Mom's Name

What's your Mom's name?
My dad calls her Darling!

Wednesday, July 8

English Language Quarantine Travel Puns

Quarantine travel puns for lovers of English language.

"Oman, I really can't wait to Rome around."

Tuesday, July 7

Travel Bug


At this point I just wanna join the Locust Gang 

Friday, July 3

what Happy New Year!?

I am also looking for the rascal who sent me this on first day of the year 😑🀬🀯 

Thursday, July 2

Durex Covid Advertisement

Guys at Durex have done it again!

Protect yourself and your loved ones 
While Going Out & Going In!!!

Wednesday, June 17

Modern Sausage


FOX FM - mate Match - where did you do it this morning?

πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney .
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone
number) for verification. If their partner answers those same = three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

Tuesday, June 9

Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers

Dear employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme

Wednesday, June 3

Alcoholic Dilemma

Doctor... How did you fall into the gutter?

Alcoholic patient... What can I say Doc..
There was a manhole, without a lid  outside a wine shop ..

Saturday, May 30

Wednesday, May 6

LAWS THAT YOU DIDN'T LEARN AT SCHOOL

*LAWS THAT YOU DIDN'T LEARN AT SCHOOL*

01. *LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR*

Once  your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

02. *ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP*

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

03. *KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM*

When u dial a wrong number, u never get an engaged tone.

04. *CANNON'S KARMIC LAW*

If u tell the boss u were late for work because u had a flat tyre, the next morning u will have a flat tyre.

05 *O'BRIEN'S VARIATION LAW*

If u change queues, the one u have left will start to move faster than the one u are in now.

06. *BELL'S THEOREM*

When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

07. *RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS*

The probability of meeting someone u know increases when u are with someone u don't want to be seen with.

08. *WILLOUGHBY'S LAW*

When u try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

09. *ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS*

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. *BREDA'S RULE*

At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.

11. *OWEN'S LAW*

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Tuesday, May 5

Sunday, May 3

Lockdown Terminology

Lockdown lingo - are you fully conversant with the new terminology?

*Coronacoaster*
The ups and downs of your mood during the pandemic. You're loving lockdown one minute but suddenly weepy with anxiety the next. It truly is "an emotional coronacoaster".

*Quarantinis*
Experimental cocktails mixed from whatever random ingredients you have left in the house. The boozy equivalent of a store cupboard supper. Southern Comfort and Ribena quarantini with a glacΓ© cherry garnish, anyone? These are sipped at "locktail hour", ie. wine o'clock during lockdown, which seems to be creeping earlier with each passing week.

*Le Creuset wrist*
It's the new "avocado hand" - an aching arm after taking one's best saucepan outside to bang during the weekly 'Clap For Carers.' It might be heavy but you're keen to impress the neighbours with your high-quality kitchenware.

*Coronials*
As opposed to millennials, this refers to the future generation of babies conceived or born during coronavirus quarantine. They might also become known as "Generation C" or, more spookily, "Children of the Quarn".

*Furlough Merlot*
Wine consumed in an attempt to relieve the frustration of not working. Also known as "bored-eaux" or "cabernet tedium".

*Coronadose*
An overdose of bad news from consuming too much media during a time of crisis. Can result in a panicdemic.

*The elephant in the Zoom*
The glaring issue during a videoconferencing call that nobody feels able to mention. E.g. one participant has dramatically put on weight, suddenly sprouted terrible facial hair or has a worryingly messy house visible in the background.

*Quentin Quarantino*
An attention-seeker using their time in lockdown to make amateur films which they're convinced are funnier and cleverer than they actually are.

*Covidiot* or *Wuhan-ker*
One who ignores public health advice or behaves with reckless disregard for the safety of others can be said to display "covidiocy" or be "covidiotic". Also called a "lockclown" or even a "Wuhan-ker".

*Goutbreak*
The sudden fear that you've consumed so much wine, cheese, home-made cake and Easter chocolate in lockdown that your ankles are swelling up like a medieval king's.

*Antisocial distancing*
Using health precautions as an excuse for snubbing neighbours and generally ignoring people you find irritating.

*Coughin' dodger*
Someone so alarmed by an innocuous splutter or throat-clear that they back away in terror.

*Mask-ara*
Extra make-up applied to "make one's eyes pop" before venturing out in public wearing a face mask.

*Covid-10*
The 10lbs in weight that we're all gaining from comfort-eating and comfort-drinking. Also known as "fattening the curve".

πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Saturday, April 18

Made in USA

*Brilliant comment on the US Economy!*

Dr. Marc Faber, the investment guru, concluded his monthly bulletin with the following comments! :
 
The federal government is sending each of us a *$600 rebate.*

If we spend that money at *Wal-Mart*, the money goes to *China.*
If we spend it on *gasoline* it goes to the *Arabs.*
If we buy a *software*, it will go to *India.*
If we purchase *fruits and vegetables* it will go to *Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.*
If we purchase a *good car*, it will go to *Germany and Japan.*
If we purchase *useless crap*, it will go to *Taiwan or Korea.*
In short, *none of it* will help the *American economy.*

The *only way to keep that money here at home* is to spend it on *Guns, Prostitutes, and Beer*, since these are the *only products still produced in the US!* πŸ˜„πŸ€£

Friday, April 17

WHEN BODY PARTS ARE USED AS VERBS

WHEN BODY PARTS ARE USED AS VERBS
            
_Many parts of the body can be used as verbs in either a physical or a metaphorical sense._

You can *head* a company, but if things go wrong you'll have to *shoulder* the blame, or *face* your investors. 
A good leader will *back* his employees, but if you don't *toe* the line the management can *skin* you.
Did you *muscle* your way into that job? 
You might *eye* someone suspiciously, or wait for the police to *finger* a suspect. 
But if you need to get out of town, you can *thumb* a ride or you can ride with me if you can *stomach* the thought.
Use strong *arm* tactic if you want to *elbow* out someone.
I don't always sing along with the radio, but I sometimes do *mouth* the words.

*That's Amazing English!!!* πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ‘ŒπŸ»πŸ‘ŒπŸ»πŸ˜Š

Thursday, April 9

Italian Viral Humor

THE ITALIAN SENSE OF HUMOR ....

 "Maybe it is true that we Italians are in a difficult situation.
But tell me where you will find another such country:

in which aprons for doctors are sewn by ARMANI

FERRARI is manufacturing respirators

GUCCI is making face masks

And sanitizing gel is made by BULGARI ??? 

We may end up in hell, but in style! " 

πŸ˜œπŸ˜‚πŸŒπŸ’…

Monday, April 6

Chatting with Housemates during Lockdown

🀣🀣🀣Loved this silly one for a change..

Hi guys! Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!  

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad. 

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything, and certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant.  

In the end though, the iron calmed me down as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing.  The hoover was very unsympathetic...  told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over!  

The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion, and didn't say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip.😬  The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to... Yes, you guessed it ... pull myself together. 🀣🀣🀣πŸ€ͺ

Friday, April 3

Men's Scotch at Bar

From "Standing near the bar with Scotch in our hand" 
To 
"Standing near Vim bar with a Scotch Brite in our hand"

Men have come a long way  ..
..The great lockdown

Wednesday, April 1

Lockdown Advice for Mating Partners

My brother stick to your 2 rounds with ur wife or partner during this lockdown. If you start going 6 she might want to know who's been getting the extra 4 all this while. 
May wisdom with you - Mugabe

Monday, March 30

Sanitisation

When my partner came back home, I made him bath with Dettol and vinegar, gargle with sanitised mouth wash and splash Cologne. 
Is that enough or shall I boil him? 

#corona #lockdown

Sunday, March 29

Tuesday, March 24

Your Horoscope THIS Week

For once you won't have to match your star signs.

Saturday, March 14

Corona Baby Boomers

Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch.. and in 9months......

Monday, March 9

Exposure

A drunk naked woman boards a cab.

Driver of the cab keeps staring at her and does not start the cab.

Woman: Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?

Driver: Cool down, ma'am. I am not staring at you. I am just wondering as to where you have kept the money to pay me?

Moral : This is what most of the Banks failed to do...... Assessing the repayment capacity before enjoying the exposure!!

πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ€£

Friday, March 6

Face Mask causes Death

One more death but not because of Coronavirus.
He reached home with wrong mask! :-)

Thursday, March 5

Jackie Chan on Cough

Deep meaning worda by Jackie Chan, "earlier we used to cough to hide our fart, now we fart to cover our cough'

Not quite some #TravelAdvisory

**Alert levels - updated ** 

Not quite #TravelAdvice... ;-) 

***UK Virus ALERT***
 
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to the recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, the level may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." 
 
The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. 
 
The virus has been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
 
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's Get the Bastard." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
 
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
 
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." 
 
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose." 
 
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
 
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
 
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

(Originally received on WhatsApp)

Flight from China

Flight coming from China!

Sunday, March 1

Divine Right

Judy entered the church.
"You can't come in here dressed like that!" exclaimed the priest.
She said, "But I have divine right!"
He said, "you have divine left too! But you can't come in that dress"

Tuesday, February 25

Friday, February 21

Young Biker's Dilemma ;-)

To grow up or to be a biker!

Wisdom of Exotic Movies' Dress-code

When exotic movie stars take off their clothes they are are actually getting dressed for work!

Wisdom will kill me someday.

Wednesday, February 19

Definition of Laziness

Definition of Laziness: 
It's the art of taking rest before you get tired. because....