Fukkad! Boys Girls Teens Humor

Friday, July 31

Girls Bike Number Plate

Thats for sure for boys trailing these hotties!!

Thursday, July 30

Social Distancing SOP

McDonalds ain't messing around with covid pandemic and Social Distancing

Keeping up with Current News

Me trying to keep up with Current News about world disasters, civil unrests and potential life-ending viruses

Sunday, July 26

Ultracrepidaria - English to Hindi

British make things needlessly complicated.

A person who gives his opinion and advice on matters outside of one's knowledge or competence is calles Ultracrepidaria.

But in India they simply call him ch***ya!

Saturday, July 25

How to Check Friends' Video Messages

When your friend sends you a video and you don't trust them...

Thursday, July 23

DIFFERENT HEIGHTS OF...

*Height of Fashion*

```Lungi with a zip.```

*Height of Laziness*

```Asking lift for morning walk.```

*Height of Craziness*

```Get blank paper xeroxed.```

*Height of Honesty*

```Pregnant woman taking 2 tickets.```

*Height of De-Hydration*

```Cow giving milk powder.```

*Height of Hope*

```A 99 year old woman going for Rs 295/- recharge to get lifetime incoming.```

*Height of Stupidity*

```Looking through key hole of a glass door.```

*Height of Suicide Attempt*

```A dwarf jumps from the footpath on the road.```

*Height of Friendship*

```It's when your friend runs away with your wife; and you are really worried for your friend!```

*Height of Attitude*

```A Sleeping Beggar puts a Notice Board in front of Him.```

_*Please do not make noise by dropping coins! Use Currency Notes.*_

*AND*

*THE ULTIMATE ONE*

*Height Of Work Pressure*

```An employee opens his Tiffin Box on the road side to see, whether he is going to office or coming back from office.```

No Parking

Boy parks his bicycle near the Legislature building.

Police Constable stops him.

Friday, July 17

Thursday, July 16

Twitter Security Hack

@jack tweeted

"Tough day for us at Twitter. We all feel terrible this happened. We're diagnosing and will share everything we can when we have a more complete understanding of exactly what happened. "

"to our teammates working hard to make this right."

Tuesday, July 14

Mom's Name

What's your Mom's name?

My dad calls her Darling!

Wednesday, July 8

English Language Quarantine Travel Puns

Quarantine travel puns for lovers of English language.

"Oman, I really can't wait to Rome around."

Tuesday, July 7

Travel Bug

At this point I just wanna join the Locust Gang

Friday, July 3

what Happy New Year!?

I am also looking for the rascal who sent me this on first day of the year 😡🤬🤯

Thursday, July 2

Durex Covid Advertisement

Guys at Durex have done it again!

Protect yourself and your loved ones

While Going Out & Going In!!!

Wednesday, June 17

FOX FM - mate Match - where did you do it this morning?

😂😂😂😂😂

This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney .

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone

number) for verification. If their partner answers those same = three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers

Dear employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme

African Expertise to USA

Alcoholic Dilemma

Doctor... How did you fall into the gutter?

Alcoholic patient... What can I say Doc..

There was a manhole, without a lid outside a wine shop ..

Field S*x Warning Signboard

If Titanic had Captain Donald Trump

If Titanic was captained by Donald Trump ....

Chinese Claims

Asstrology

Many men have developed the ability to recognise a woman from behind.

Wife Sees Husband's Mobile phone

Suitable Boyfriend

Sleeping with benefits!

Wednesday, May 6

LAWS THAT YOU DIDN'T LEARN AT SCHOOL

*LAWS THAT YOU DIDN'T LEARN AT SCHOOL*

01. *LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR*

Once your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

02. *ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP*

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

03. *KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM*

When u dial a wrong number, u never get an engaged tone.

04. *CANNON'S KARMIC LAW*

If u tell the boss u were late for work because u had a flat tyre, the next morning u will have a flat tyre.

05 *O'BRIEN'S VARIATION LAW*

If u change queues, the one u have left will start to move faster than the one u are in now.

06. *BELL'S THEOREM*

When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

07. *RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS*

The probability of meeting someone u know increases when u are with someone u don't want to be seen with.

08. *WILLOUGHBY'S LAW*

When u try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

09. *ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS*

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. *BREDA'S RULE*

At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.

11. *OWEN'S LAW*

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Tuesday, May 5

Suicide Counseling... Aussie Style

Quite Effective Aussie Suicide Counseling

Sunday, May 3

Lockdown Terminology

Lockdown lingo - are you fully conversant with the new terminology?

*Coronacoaster*

The ups and downs of your mood during the pandemic. You're loving lockdown one minute but suddenly weepy with anxiety the next. It truly is "an emotional coronacoaster".

*Quarantinis*

Experimental cocktails mixed from whatever random ingredients you have left in the house. The boozy equivalent of a store cupboard supper. Southern Comfort and Ribena quarantini with a glacé cherry garnish, anyone? These are sipped at "locktail hour", ie. wine o'clock during lockdown, which seems to be creeping earlier with each passing week.

*Le Creuset wrist*

It's the new "avocado hand" - an aching arm after taking one's best saucepan outside to bang during the weekly 'Clap For Carers.' It might be heavy but you're keen to impress the neighbours with your high-quality kitchenware.

*Coronials*

As opposed to millennials, this refers to the future generation of babies conceived or born during coronavirus quarantine. They might also become known as "Generation C" or, more spookily, "Children of the Quarn".

*Furlough Merlot*

Wine consumed in an attempt to relieve the frustration of not working. Also known as "bored-eaux" or "cabernet tedium".

*Coronadose*

An overdose of bad news from consuming too much media during a time of crisis. Can result in a panicdemic.

*The elephant in the Zoom*

The glaring issue during a videoconferencing call that nobody feels able to mention. E.g. one participant has dramatically put on weight, suddenly sprouted terrible facial hair or has a worryingly messy house visible in the background.

*Quentin Quarantino*

An attention-seeker using their time in lockdown to make amateur films which they're convinced are funnier and cleverer than they actually are.

*Covidiot* or *Wuhan-ker*

One who ignores public health advice or behaves with reckless disregard for the safety of others can be said to display "covidiocy" or be "covidiotic". Also called a "lockclown" or even a "Wuhan-ker".

*Goutbreak*

The sudden fear that you've consumed so much wine, cheese, home-made cake and Easter chocolate in lockdown that your ankles are swelling up like a medieval king's.

*Antisocial distancing*

Using health precautions as an excuse for snubbing neighbours and generally ignoring people you find irritating.

*Coughin' dodger*

Someone so alarmed by an innocuous splutter or throat-clear that they back away in terror.

*Mask-ara*

Extra make-up applied to "make one's eyes pop" before venturing out in public wearing a face mask.

*Covid-10*

The 10lbs in weight that we're all gaining from comfort-eating and comfort-drinking. Also known as "fattening the curve".

😂😂😂

Saturday, April 18

Made in USA

*Brilliant comment on the US Economy!*

Dr. Marc Faber, the investment guru, concluded his monthly bulletin with the following comments! :

The federal government is sending each of us a *$600 rebate.*

If we spend that money at *Wal-Mart*, the money goes to *China.*

If we spend it on *gasoline* it goes to the *Arabs.*

If we buy a *software*, it will go to *India.*

If we purchase *fruits and vegetables* it will go to *Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.*

If we purchase a *good car*, it will go to *Germany and Japan.*

If we purchase *useless crap*, it will go to *Taiwan or Korea.*

In short, *none of it* will help the *American economy.*

The *only way to keep that money here at home* is to spend it on *Guns, Prostitutes, and Beer*, since these are the *only products still produced in the US!* 😄🤣

Friday, April 17

WHEN BODY PARTS ARE USED AS VERBS

_Many parts of the body can be used as verbs in either a physical or a metaphorical sense._

You can *head* a company, but if things go wrong you'll have to *shoulder* the blame, or *face* your investors.

A good leader will *back* his employees, but if you don't *toe* the line the management can *skin* you.

Did you *muscle* your way into that job?

You might *eye* someone suspiciously, or wait for the police to *finger* a suspect.

But if you need to get out of town, you can *thumb* a ride or you can ride with me if you can *stomach* the thought.

Use strong *arm* tactic if you want to *elbow* out someone.

I don't always sing along with the radio, but I sometimes do *mouth* the words.

*That's Amazing English!!!* 👏🏻👏🏻👌🏻👌🏻😊

Thursday, April 9

Italian Viral Humor

THE ITALIAN SENSE OF HUMOR ....

"Maybe it is true that we Italians are in a difficult situation.

But tell me where you will find another such country:

in which aprons for doctors are sewn by ARMANI

FERRARI is manufacturing respirators

GUCCI is making face masks

And sanitizing gel is made by BULGARI ???

We may end up in hell, but in style! "

😜😂🍌💅

Monday, April 6

Chatting with Housemates during Lockdown

🤣🤣🤣Loved this silly one for a change..

Hi guys! Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything, and certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant.

In the end though, the iron calmed me down as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing. The hoover was very unsympathetic... told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over!

The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion, and didn't say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip.😬 The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to... Yes, you guessed it ... pull myself together. 🤣🤣🤣🤪

Friday, April 3

Men's Scotch at Bar

From "Standing near the bar with Scotch in our hand"

"Standing near Vim bar with a Scotch Brite in our hand"

Men have come a long way ..

..The great lockdown

Wednesday, April 1

Lockdown Advice for Mating Partners

My brother stick to your 2 rounds with ur wife or partner during this lockdown. If you start going 6 she might want to know who's been getting the extra 4 all this while.

May wisdom with you - Mugabe

Monday, March 30

Sanitisation

When my partner came back home, I made him bath with Dettol and vinegar, gargle with sanitised mouth wash and splash Cologne.

Is that enough or shall I boil him?

#corona #lockdown

Sunday, March 29

After Corona Lockdown

After the lockdown days are over....

Tuesday, March 24

Your Horoscope THIS Week

For once you won't have to match your star signs.

Monday, March 16

Sanitise your Hands

Personal hygiene

Saturday, March 14

Corona Baby Boomers

Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch.. and in 9months......

Monday, March 9

Exposure

A drunk naked woman boards a cab.

Driver of the cab keeps staring at her and does not start the cab.

Woman: Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?

Driver: Cool down, ma'am. I am not staring at you. I am just wondering as to where you have kept the money to pay me?

Moral : This is what most of the Banks failed to do...... Assessing the repayment capacity before enjoying the exposure!!

😂🤣😂🤣

Friday, March 6

Face Mask causes Death

One more death but not because of Coronavirus.

He reached home with wrong mask! :-)

Thursday, March 5

Jackie Chan on Cough

Deep meaning worda by Jackie Chan, "earlier we used to cough to hide our fart, now we fart to cover our cough'

Not quite some #TravelAdvisory

**Alert levels - updated **

Not quite #TravelAdvice... ;-)

***UK Virus ALERT***

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to the recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, the level may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

The virus has been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's Get the Bastard." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

(Originally received on WhatsApp)