Football & Brazil

Funny Brazilian football 

Learner Devil

When women decide to take revenge, 

Even the Devil sits to learn!

English Vagaries

Vagaries of English Language! Enjoy!!!😀😀😀

- Wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?

-Why isn't a Fireman called a Water-man?

- How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?

- If money doesn't grow on trees, how come Banks have Branches?

- If a Vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?

- How do you get off a non-stop Flight?

- Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO and those sent by truck SHIPMENT?

- Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the Cupboard?

- Why do doctors 'practice' medicine? Are they having practice at the cost of the patients?

- Why is it called 'Rush Hour' when traffic moves at its slowest then?

- How come Noses run and Feet smell?

- Why do they call it a TV 'set' when there is only one?

- What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?

We can never find the answers, can we?

So just enjoy the pun and fun of the English language!!

Liberal Leftists' Rightist Son

I asked my friend's son what he wanted to be when he grows up. He said he wanted to be Prime Minister some day.

Both of his parents, LIBERAL LEFTISTS, were standing there, so I asked him, 'If you were Prime Minister, what would be the first thing you would do?'

He replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.' His parents beamed with pride.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told him. 'But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you Rs.500. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the same 500 rupee note for food and new set of clothes .'

He thought that over for a few seconds, then he looked me straight in the eyes and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him Rs.500?'

I said, 'Welcome to the RIGHTIST fold.'

His parents still aren't speaking to me.

(Author Unknown)

Dedicated to all those who think distributing freebies is kindness.

Late for Appointment at Gynecologist

A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive.

After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax.  After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It's the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay.

"It doesn't matter," answers the doctor.  "Look, I was having a gin and tonic while waiting. Do you want one to help you relax?"

"I accept, thanks!" She answers.  

He gives her a drink, sits down in front of her and they start talking. Suddenly someone is heard opening the entrance office door.

The doctor looks worried, gets up and says: 

"My wife! Quick, take off your clothes and spread your legs, otherwise she might think there is some nonsense going on!"

😋😂😉😀

Today's School

They Said No Phone Inside the School

Today School is Inside the Phone

Dad for Life

No recall vote for Impeachment, 

Father's constitution is written for Life (with help from mother) 

;-)

Happy Father's Day

the first teacher 

the best Papa / Bapu / Abba / Dad

Happy Father's Day

New Boyfriend's Jet

My Ex was over the cloud with the new Man in her life.

"He said he had a Private Jet"

Ecstasy

Back and forth. . . in and out. . .in and out . . .a little to the right. . . a little to the left . . . she could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . between her breasts. . .

and, trickling down the small of her back. . . she was getting near to the end.

He was in ecstasy. . .

with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved. . .

forwards then backwards. . .

forward then backward. . .

again. . .

and again. . .

her heart was pounding now. . .

her face was flushed . . .

she moaned softly at first, then began to groan louder . . .

finally . . .

totally exhausted . . .

she let out a piercing scream . . . . .

"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park.  You do it!"

Suez Canal Navigator

The Captain driving on road back from Suez Canal ship duty.

Income Tax Declaration

new declaration of immovable property in Income Tax return.

Aged Love to Perfection

Love each other to perfection ;-)

ID ten T Error

As we oldies know, sometimes we have  trouble with our computers. 

Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Raaju, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Raaju clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' 

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Raaju grinned, 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?' 

'No,' I replied. 

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:

ID10T

 I used to like Raaju, but 

 not anymore.🤔😁

News Headlines

A little girl was leaning into a lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside, all under the eyes of her screaming parents:

A biker jumps off his *Harley*, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A BBC reporter, Laura Kuenssberg, had watched the whole event.

Laura, addressing the Harley rider says. "Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life."

The Harley rider replies. "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

Miss Kuenssberg. "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a BBC journalist, you know and tomorrow's News will run this story. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?"

 The biker replies. "I'm a British Army veteran, a Conservative and I voted for Brexit."

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker turns on BBC News to see if it indeed brings news of his actions.

 

*BBC Headline*: RIGHT-WING UK VETERAN ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

And THAT pretty much sums up the BBC's approach to the news especially  on India these days... *And that of most of Indian media*

How Does That Even Happen!

This guy was trying to head out of the city, but apparently he was meant to stay in Vegas, at least for a little bit longer than planned. 

How does this even happen? 

He's lucky that he's still alive.

Immunity Boosting Herbal Tea Recipes -3

Herbal Tea Recipes to boost your Immunity system

Lemon Tea 

Hibiscus Tea 

Capitalism and Tyler Durden

Various definitions and aspects of Capitalism over Communism, Socialism,  Hedomism, Cubism, Triforvism, Anarchy, Trollism, Narcissism, Catholicism

Why Covid Not Affecting You?

Why don't you guys get affected by Covid?

"Bcoz we don't have TV!"

Social Media Life Effects

If you take seriously this social media Stuff, you weren't hugged enough as a Child, 

and,

Probably not getting fucked enough as an Adult!

Epitome of Go Fu*k Yourself

If the male octopus way of providing female octopus to inseminate herself isn't the most epic way if saying 'go fu*k yourself' then don't know what is!!

French Connection

Pardon my French but....

'louvrè lagé parè ' hain 

ANNUAL Performance Self-Appraisal 2020

Corona Virus Submitted  its 'Annual Performance Self - Appraisal' for  2020, for promotion:

1.  Responsible for Global Digital Transformation and fast-tracking.

2.  Reduction of Global CO2 emission.

3.  Five million jobs "restructuring".

4.  Global Hygiene initiatives: Ensured 100% compliance on washing hands... leading to collateral reduction of other communicable diseases.

5.  Made global industry shift to WFH - saved exposure and costs.

6.  Reduction in global noise pollution by making everyone keep their mouth shut (while masked). 😂

7.  Taught cooking, vegetable shopping, housekeeping to many.

8.  Highlighted the importance of governance, adaptability and long term planning, by all sectors.

9.  Spiritual contribution - Provided ample time to all people for reflection.

10. Provided a big boost to the Pharma sector, brought small utility stores back into priority. 

11. Taught family values and values of life again.

12. Taught how to manage funds by avoiding unnecessary expenses.

13. Oriented masses towards prevention of disease through Yoga, cycling, walking and healthy lifestyles.

14. Ushered in a new phase of social reforms - in controlling ostentatious and wasteful expenditure in socio-religious events.

15. Stopped wasteful expenditure in business travels, unnecessary holidays and vacations, and brought in use of technology through videoconferencing, and innovative staycations.

After due consideration: 

*Covid19 Coronavirus is promoted to next higher level with a mutant version.*

Easter Sale

Durex advertisement, make it everyday Easter for you

Before Discovery of Oxygen

Oxygen was discovered in 1772.

.

.

Before 1772 people used to die just before their birth!!

Politician's love for Country

A politician is a person

who will lay down your life for his country.

Funny Online Ads Placements

Funny or ironic Placements of online advertisements 

Karma is 69

Life Karma is like 69...

You get What you Give

ICU Airlines

Nowadays Boarding a flights seems like entering an ICU

We Are Special

Humans are special kind of stupid...

Social distancing At the Airport and 

In the Aircraft !

Lady Cow

Yelled 'Cow' at the woman on a bike and she gave me the finger. Then, ... 

I tried!

Seeking Advertisement in Bathroom

Now that your client has lost weight,

You may advertise your Bikini

Marriage n Vaccination

Got Vaccinated and lived Corona free

is as much a myth as,

Got married and lived happily ever after!

🤣🤣

I Love Karma

Karma

The man who just drive into the parking I was waiting for and who said fuck off to me has arrived for interview .. with me! 😈😁 

English can be Life saver

Sometimes bad English can be a life saver  .... 😀😅🤣

One evening on the outskirts of London, a millionaire Englishman was walking with his dog when suddenly a Pakistani came out of the bushes and fired three shots and killed his dog. 

Surprised and shocked, the Englishman said: "Why did you do that ?"

Pakistani: *"Your wife gave me 5000 Euros and said Kill the son of a bitch"*. 

There were tears in the eyes of the Englishman and he hugged the Pakistani and said: *"I will never forget the kindness of your English teacher for the rest of my life!"* 

😂😂😂😂😂😂

Tips for Happy Married Life

2 tips for a happy married life:

1. Keep Quiet when your wife is talking.

2. Don't Talk when she is quiet.

Mask Speaks

Simple rule:

Will Only Remove mask for Whiskey!

How to keep your wife away from your mobile phone!

Did you know that your wife will be holding your mobile when you will be in ICU for 14 days?

Prevent it.

"Wear the Mask"

Need a Burger!

She really want a Burger !

He replied....

Garage for Success

Where it all started?

.

.

To be successful, 'one' prime requirement is that you own a garage!

Overspeed Controller

New control technique for overspeed regulation!

Paneer (Cottage Cheese)

What is the difference between 

Paneer Masala and Paneer Tikka Masala?

The latter is vaccinated.

😝😁🤣

Office Lunch Proposal

Office Lunch Date Refusal

"I've asked you out for lunch and you saying you have a boyfriend. Is he hungry too?"

You are Negative

Husband and Wife on being negative!!

Life lessons from Snowman

Snowman

 

Looking for some life lessons? Check out this piece entitled:

 

All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From a Snowman

 

1. It's OK if you're a little bottom heavy.

 

2. Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.

 

3. Wearing white is always appropriate.

 

4. Winter is the best of the four seasons.

 

5. It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.

 

6. There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.

 

7. The key to life is to have a jolly, happy soul.

 

8. You know you've made it when they write a song about you.

 

9. There's no stopping once you're on a roll.

 

10. Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!

Advantages of a Hypocrite

"the best part being an Hypocrite is You can still denounce Hypocrisy".

Sign of a Genius

Zoom online class student 'Reconnecting', already a born genius :-)

Apple Of Men

You know Apple is run by men...

When they call it an iPhone 6+ 

And it's only 5.5inches.

Motivational Quotes are like...

Motivational Quotes are like...

..

Very moving at that instant but Don't Last Long 

And you seek more!